Chapter 13: Sadhanas
One of my secondary objectives on going to Ananda Village was to improve my Sadhana (spiritual practices). In quality, yes, but most of all in time. It was my perpetual embarrassment to know I couldn’t stay put in meditation for longer than fifteen minutes, twenty at most. I couldn’t tell why I was unable to do so, but it was something that worried me very much.
Another, “tertiary objective”, we might say, was to re-accustom my body to meditate using the Lotus Posture. My fight to be able to sit in the Lotus Posture had been long and arduous (maybe I’ll post about it someday), and now I had been unable to do it for three or four months, because of an injury I got playing soccer.
I had, however, the certainty that going to Ananda Village would help me with these two goals, and indeed it did!
The Expanding Light offers two guided sadhanas for guests: at 6:30AM and at 4:30PM. These are more or less as following: 25-30 minutes to do the Energization Exercises, followed by about 45 minutes of Hatha Yoga postures, and finally 40 minutes of meditation. The first time I assisted to one of these sadhanas was on Monday; I was terribly nervous and wondering how much time they would ask us to meditate, knowing that I couldn’t do more than twenty minutes.
We did the Energization Exercises, then some Hatha Yoga postures (which, I daresay, I performed terribly, being my first time) and, finally, the time for meditation! I gulped when I found out it’d be forty minutes, but ignored Maitri’s statement that we could leave halfway (she’d chant “aum” to let us know when that was) if we wanted to: I had come to improve the length of my meditation, and I would start today!
Sitting into the Lotus Posture and ignoring the pain, I started to meditate. Some ten minutes into it, I had to go back to half-lotus because my right leg had fallen asleep (but I had been able to stay comfortably on it for ten minutes, versus nothing the previous week, which was a huge improvement!) and continued this way the rest of the time. Finally, and to my surprise, the forty minutes passed and I found myself thinking “that was easy!”
I couldn’t go to the sadhana of the afternoon (I was with Marga at that time, being given a tour by Rajarsi Park), but I went back the following morning, at 6:30. This time, my leg didn’t fall asleep in the Lotus Posture until about fifteen minutes into the meditation time, and again, at the end, I found myself wondering why I couldn’t meditate longer before, if it came so naturally here. It wasn’t until I got back home in Canada that I realized what was keeping me from meditating longer: it wasn’t physical discomfort or a distracted mind, as I first thought. It was the constant urges of “I’m gonna be late for school”. “I should go to bed, lest I don’t get enough sleep and I am unable to do things well all next day.” “I have to do homework, and I don’t know how much it’ll take me.” “I have to finish before my brother wakes up, lest he can’t get out of bed because he doesn’t want to interrupt me.” “I need to hurry, lest my brother wants to come to sleep and is unable to because I’m here.” “I need to get ready for work.” It’s not that the specific thoughts came to my head, but the “feeling” that I had to hurry because of this or that was there. This feeling was not present while I stayed at Ananda Village, and now that I’m back home I get it again. Yet, to win a battle, it is a big plus to know who your enemy is. We’ll see how it goes, but I intend to win!
Due to a combination of circumstances, Tuesday was the last day I went to a guided sadhana of the retreat. On Wednesday I was supposed to be at the school at 8:30, so I did my practices alone. Thursday and Friday I slept in, and Saturday I just wanted to do it by myself. In any case, I found the guided sadhanas very good, although it rather distracting for me to have to be always adjusting to the teacher’s rhythm while doing the Energization Exercises.
All in all, however, my objectives on this were met: I can sit now comfortably on the Lotus Posture for longer than twenty minutes, and the time will increase with time. Also, now that I know that I am not “incapable” of meditating for longer times, I’m not worried anymore, which, in turn, makes this goal much easier to achieve. However, there’s still the feeling of urgency that appears when I have spent “too much” time meditating. That’s something I have to work at, and it’ll be a challenge, considering that this semester I have to go to school full time, work two (and maybe three) part-time jobs, and keep a blog updated!
And even if everything else fails, I have still the reassurance that “the season of failure is the best time to sow the seeds of success.” Also, I know Divine Mother is taking care of me; so, my worries are all unfounded: I am fine, I will always be fine.
Previous: Chapter 12: The Lunch
Next: Chapter 14: The Sunday Service
